NEA: My Stepson Has Asperger's Syndrome

My Stepson Has Asperger's Syndrome

What Can I Do?

Educators want to do the right thing by the children in their lives, but sometimes they need another perspective on a problem.

What would you say to this experienced teacher?

I would like to learn more about addressing issues with my 14-year-old stepson, who has Asperger's Syndrome and recently seems to have developed Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). We live in a rural, rather isolated area, so it's hard to find someone experienced to talk to.

We don't have any influence over what happens when he is with his mother and her husband, but I am becoming increasingly frustrated at his aggressiveness in our home. His father has told him this will not be tolerated, so now he has resorted to other "passive-aggressive" methods.

I welcome any suggestions as to how to help him learn to become part of normal family and to function in society.

His moods switch on and off. I feel he is a ticking time bomb.

What can I do?

Your advice

K. A. (9/27/07) said:
My daughter has ASD and ODD as well. I think you have a great list of ideas here. Do you have a parental support group? Even if it's online, it's better than nothing.
I read The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children (Ross W. Greene) and highly recommend that way of dealing with issues. In my part of the country, it's tough to get counseling, but do it! I am trying to find someone who thinks as I do. We have seen so many others...and rewards/punishments don't work.

Good luck.

J. Lill (9/18/07) said:
Our state's Department of Family and Children provided some counseling services for us. Hurry to avail yourself of them, as services seem to end at age 16. I'm now looking ahead to after high school and lobbying for support from mental health agencies.

Best of luck. Realize you can only do what you can do. It is almost like a grieving process. "It is what it is" are the words I live by. As your stepson gets older, you'll find there are a lot of people out there facing these types of problems. A club we never wanted to join - but at least they understand and don't judge. Hang in there.

Tamara da Silva (9/17/07) said:
First of all, I commend your strength and determination.

As a special education teacher (Autism and Asperger's), I have several ideas that might help:

It would be ideal if you could set up joint counseling with your husband's ex-wife and her husband, since your stepson spends time with them. As you know, change is very difficult for children with Asperger's, and your stepson is experiencing a lot of change living in two different homes with two different lifestyles (a situation that is difficult for any child).

If such counseling is not possible, get support for your husband, yourself, and your stepson. Take care of yourself and find ways to communicate respectfully among yourselves.

It's developmentally appropriate for 14-year-olds to be searching for individual identity, so it's essential that you set clear expectations and consequences for your stepson. Communicate verbally and display visuals or picture schedules representing those expectations. Use statements such as: "My expectations are … The way that looks is… It sounds like... Your choices are…"

It’s best to start with generalized statements.

We will all treat each other with respect.

My expectations are that when you talk to me, you will remain in your own space and not invade mine, we will keep our voices at indoor volume, and we will use kind words. If either of us needs time to sort through our thoughts and emotions, we will walk away and come back together when we can honor each other with respect.

It's a good idea to have terms such as "passive aggressive" clearly defined and written out so that when you feel that your stepson is acting that way, you can point out the behavior and show how it fits that description. Other terms that you might want to spell out are: assault, aggressive, respect, boundaries, and personal space.

P. Ralabate (9/12/07) said:
Talk with your child's special ed teacher and find out how he or she deals with his behavior at school. There may be a behavioral specialist or school psychologist who can offer specific suggestions.

Check out online resources, such as the Autism Society of America Web site and the book The Puzzle of Autism, a good resource with great suggestions for dealing with behavior issues. The book is available from the NEA Professional Library ($6.95 for NEA members; $11.95 for non-members).

A. Primavera (8/30/07) said:
So much depends on how much help you can avail yourselves of. My son is 16 and has Asperger's and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Much of the moodiness has reached heightened proportions during his puberty.

Most of our help is through services on his IEP. We have an autism consultant in our home for two hours each week - we had to fight to get this in place. Another valuable asset has been the assistance of a service coordinator through East End Disability Associates. We live on the east end of Long Island, but I am sure agencies like this exist in other parts of the country.

There is a Web site called Oasis (Online Asperger Syndrome Information & Support) that is full of good links and readings. If you haven't yet read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (a novel by Mark Haddon, told from the point of view of an autistic 15-year-old), do. It will give you a bit more understanding of how your stepson thinks - which leads directly to how he acts.

Suzanne E. (10/27/07)
You and your family are dealing with a very complex issue. Use the resources you have developed (and those you continue to develop) to make Toolboxes for your stepson, your husband, and yourself.

As one who had a stepfather, I would say, try to never use the word "stepson" if possible. As a teacher of students with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), I would suggest making a few specific rules, displaying them visually, and having very clear behavioral expectations and consequences - both the positive and the negative.

As far as tools, work with the experts to find what works for your son.

A very good age appropriate sensory diet will most likely be very helpful. You can google that and get all kinds of suggestions. Try "ASD sensory diet" and/or speak with a knowledgeable occupational therapist.