Sugar and Spice

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With the publication of Odd Girl Out by bestselling author Rachel Simmons and Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman, the  notion of social or relational aggression—the psychological warfare practiced by many school-age girls—has been brought to light. And more educators are beginning to do something about it in schools nationwide. By helping address conflict in overt, healthy ways, they’re helping create more confident, assertive girls who are better students and better people.

"Children and adolescents break each other’s hearts with social aggression, and they tell us they often do it right in their classrooms and that their teachers don’t know," says Marion K. Underwood, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Dallas and author of Social Aggression Among Girls. But, she adds, "I believe teachers know vastly more than children give them credit for and are in an ideal position to intervene, both directly and in more subtle ways."

If they don’t, they aren’t creating a culture of learning, says Wiseman. If educators don’t understand the rules, relationships, and power structures of "Girl World," she says, "no matter how good they are as teachers, they won’t be in control of the classroom and learning." Simmons agrees, likening the teachers in such classrooms to those in the Peanuts cartoons, where students hear nothing from the teacher but a muffled "Mwha, mwha, mwwhhaaa."

On a frigid February afternoon in New York, seventh- and eighth-graders from an Upper West Side prep school filed into the auditorium to hear Simmons talk about social aggression. A more sophisticated bunch of kids than most, it could be a tough crowd. She dove right in with a personal story.

“When I was 8 years old, my friend Abby started whispering secrets about me,” Simmons began. “Abby told all the girls to run away from me whenever I came near, but, desperate for their friendship, I kept running after them. Soon, I had no friends at all, and I was eating lunch alone every day.”

Despite her anguish as a third-grade victim, Simmons told the students she’d become a bully by the time she was 14. “I did something to a friend that I was very sorry about. Years later, I finally apologized—apologies don’t expire—and that helped us both. But the point is, even though we’re supposed to be so sweet and innocent, not everyone is nice all of the time.”

Simmons walked up to the front of the stage and looked around. “I know you guys aren’t nice to each other all of the time,” she said matter-of-factly.

The auditorium fell quiet. Finally, a few nervous laughs and students shifting in their seats broke the silence. Simmons acknowledged that it’s not comfortable for people to accept that they’ve been mean, but friends who engage in social aggression are, in fact, bullies. “You probably think of a bully as that short, fat guy on the playground who’s bald with a hairy chest even though he’s only in fifth grade, but the fact is, the most hurtful bullies can be your own friends—people who are nice to you sometimes, but can make you feel small inside on a regular basis,” she said. “This kind of bullying leads to the loss or damage of friendships, and that hurts us the most.”

Sugar and Spice
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