What You Can Do: Talk With Your Children

Schools are the safest place for children -- safer than the street, the mall, or even the home. According to the Justice Policy Institute, 99 percent of children's deaths occur away from school, after hours and during holidays. It's important that schools are safe havens for learning.If your child asks questions about a shooting or other violent event in your area or elsewhere, consider the suggestions below: 

• Talking with younger children, ages 4-7 
• Talking with grade-school children, ages 8-12
• Talking with teenagers
• Specific Questions and Answers

Provide reassurance and comfort and listen to the concerns expressed by your child. Ask them how they feel and answer their questions the best that you can.

Talking with younger children, ages 4-7

it is best to keep your answers as general and as reassuring as possible. Asking questions to get a sense of how much your child knows about an event, or whether it has made him or her fearful is a good place to start.

Tell them that you and their school are doing their best to keep children safe and that school is one of the safest places for kids.

Don't be afraid to show sympathy and concern for those who were hurt. Help your child with the names for feelings they may be experiencing -- sad, worried, angry, etc.

Talking with grade school children, ages 8-12

It is best to start with questions to get a sense of how your child feels about a situation. Give children the words they need to identify their emotions in response to media coverage of the shooting. It is OK to let your child see your strong feelings for the victims. Compassion is an essential quality in a well functioning human being.

Rumors abound whenever there is a shooting or other violent event at a school. Help your children distinguish between what is fact and what is, potentially, fiction. At the same time, let them know that there is no justification for this kind of violence.

Assure them that this is not likely to happen in your school. In fact, this kind of violence is not likely to occur at most schools. Kids need to be reassured that they are safe. Talk with them about things that you and your community are doing to keep schools safe.

Tell your child that if someone they know talks about violence or threatens violence to herself or others, that it is important to tell an adult they trust. Even at this age, children need to be encouraged to take the behavior of their peers seriously and report suggestions or threats of violence. Tell them that friends do tell.

Encourage your child to keep talking with you or other trusted adults about their concerns. Talking with children, listening to them, and respecting their opinions will help them feel comforted and reassured through difficult times.

Talking with teenagers

The best thing that we can do for our adolescent children is talk with them honestly about the shootings and about violence in America. And listen carefully to what they say back.

Teenagers like and need a lot of privacy, so they may not be willing to share many details of their personal lives. However, let them know you're available, and feel free to talk with them about your feelings concerning the shootings.

Stress that this is a life or death conversation. In spite of their natural tendencies to protect each other and respect privacy, teenagers need to know when they should break their silence and confide in an adult about another kid's behavior. In doing so, they're actually helping troubled kids get necessary assistance. Friends do tell.

For more tips and resources, visit the Family Education Network.

Questions and Answers

What you can do about a house in your neighborhood that you suspect is a hub for crime and/or drugs?

You should report suspected criminal activity to the police.

If children are living in a place where they are in danger, contact your state or local child protection service or social services agency. You can report anonymously. The agency should investigate the matter within a maximum of 72 hours. If you provide your name and phone number, the agency should notify you about whether or not the abuse was substantiated.

The more specific information you have, the more helpful it is to social services and child protection agencies. For example, provide an exact address, the type of activities that you have witnessed at the home, the name of the family living in the home if you know it, and the approximate ages of the children living in the home.

What you can do if a child you know is suddenly homeless?

Depending on the all child protective services, family welfare, and social services agencies to express your concern about evictions and utility shutoffs. You may also call faith-based organizations in your area that provide assistance to families in need.

What you can do if you notice a child's playmate has bruises or other signs of abuse?

Report the situation to child protective services agencies in your area. If abuse is suspected, anyone and everyone is obligated to report it for the sake of the child's health and welfare. You do not need to provide proof of abuse. It is the job of social services and child protection agencies to investigate to determine whether the child is in danger.

In addition, in many states school and medical personnel have a legal obligation to report suspected abuse. Failure to do so can result in a fine and jail sentence.

Childhelp USA is another agency that has a 24-hour hot line to report cases of suspected abuse or neglect. Trained counselors talk people through the necessary steps for reporting abuse or connect you to agencies in your area that will be helpful. Call 1-800-422-4453.

You're grocery shopping and hear another customer verbally abusing a child in his or her care?

First, don't escalate the situation with accusatory or threatening remarks. Humiliating or angering the parent could make it worse for the child later.

In such a situation, the best thing to do is to try to empathize with the parent as best you can. Try to connect and convey kindness toward the parent by saying something like, "I've been there. Raising kids is really tough." You may also help pick up any mess or spills the child may have made and try to find something nice to say about the child. Compliment their T-shirt or haircut.

Look for a friendly, non-threatening way to give the parent a moment to calm down.

You notice a child that is often unsupervised and unsupported or you talk with parents who don't seem to be connecting with their child and you want to help.

Offering assistance in such a situation is a lot more difficult than it sounds. Although you mean well, many families may become suspicious of your attempts to be helpful. Be careful in approaching any parent in a manner that may be taken to be accusatory. Most parents truly want the best for their children, but have not learned or experienced the skills necessary to give it to them.

In as non-threatening a manner possible, simply offer whatever help you might be able to provide, starting with the smallest of gestures. For example, ask the child about their day; offer to baby-sit for a few hours to give the parent an opportunity to cook or do laundry, or offer to help take the child to softball practice.

If you're concerned that it will appear that you're singling out a child, form a neighborhood club for children and ask if the child can join in on trips to the zoo, museum or other supervised activities.

You are concerned about the friends with whom your child is associating.

Support and belonging are critically important to young people. However, sometimes networks of "friends" can become dangerous when acceptance depends upon negative or antisocial behavior. If you believe your child might be exposed or attracted to a dangerous group, talk about it together. Look for an opportunity to talk about movies or other entertainment that may glamorize dangerous groups. "You know, sometimes it seems like joining a gang might be cool. But it's not. Kids in gangs get hurt. Some even get killed because they try to solve their problems through violence. Really smart kids choose friends who are fun to be with and won't put them in any danger." Many communities have programs that help prevent gang violence.

Your child tells you about a classmate who displays violent or aggressive behavior?

Ideally, every school should have a school safety plan, including a student code of conduct that spells out consequences for certain behaviors. If such a plan does not exist, parents should insist upon one and work with a team including administrators, teachers and local law enforcement agencies to create one.

To assess your school's safety plan, use NEA's safety plan checklist. The plan should provide a vehicle for teachers and other school staff to report incidents to the principal and make referrals to the school counselor. It is the job of every adult who comes into contact with children to report suspected trouble to the principal or other school administrator. School bus drivers, janitors, and lunchroom staff should all be empowered to report incidents and have them taken seriously. School staff should also be trained to de-escalate confrontational situations.

School staff and students should also be trained to use conflict resolution strategies to help students learn and practice skills to resolve problems without resorting to violence. Many schools have programs in place to promote respect for others and resolving problems with words, not fists.

The plan should also provide support for children and their families who are consistently showing behavior problems. Expelling or suspending a child does no good if it simply means sending the child home without follow-up counseling or other assistance.

Encourage students to tell a trusted adult if they hear about or suspect a classmate may be considering In spite of their natural tendencies to protect each other and respect privacy, teenagers need to know when they should break their silence and confide in an adult about another kid's behavior. In doing so, they're actually helping troubled kids get necessary assistance. Friends do tell.

Encourage students to take a no-taunting pledge.

Your child asks about, or you would like to initiative a conversation about gun safety?

Unless a child has had training in gun safety, they should be taught to stay away from guns. If they see one, they should not touch it and should be taught to leave the area immediately. Teach children from preschool on up that guns can seriously injure of kill people. They are not toys. Teach children not to feel pressured by friends.

Explain to children that violence on television involving guns and in the movies is not real. In real life, people don't just get up or reappear in the next scene or episode. Tell children not to take chances. Even real guns can look like toys.

Some parents choose to inquire whether a family has a gun before allowing their children to sleep over. Having this kind of conversation may seem uncomfortable, but keep in mind that nearly 40 percent of accidental handgun shootings of children under 16 occur in the homes of friends and relatives. And, unfortunately despite the loss of many young lives, Congress still has not passed common sense gun laws to protect children.

Your child watches a newscast that contains a lot of violence.

Watching the news and other media with your child enables you to discuss current events like war and other conflicts, and can provide an opportunity to reinforce the consequences of violence and to assure your child that they are safe. Ask your child what she's heard about it and how she feels about it. Listen carefully to encourage your child's full expression of feelings and thoughts. Answer any questions she has. Don't overwhelm a child with information. Mainly, you want to make sure you have an opportunity to answer questions and provide comfort.

Also, take care to reassure her that you and school officials will do your best to assure his or her safety.  And let your child know you're available if she wants to talk more at another time.

Even if you don't see your child watching coverage of a major violent event, don't ignore it. If there's a major story in the news, especially one involving children, your child probably knows about it.

Visit Talkingwithkids.org for information on talking with children about difficult subjects.