How to Work Across Parenting Styles

Like most educators, Chris Thomas has learned there is no single “right” way to raise a child. In his 26 years as a middle school teacher in Ann Arbor, Mich., he has worked with families who check grades daily, parents who prefer to step back and let children solve problems on their own, and caregivers who fall somewhere in between.

As a parent himself (with two high schoolers and a middle schooler), he understands why so many families blend different approaches to parenting.

“There are many right choices,” he says. “Ultimately, we all want healthy, highly functioning kids who care about their community.”

That mindset sits at the center of how many educators approach today’s evolving parenting landscape. Labels have multiplied in recent years, from “tech-conscious” to “free-range” to “lighthouse” parenting, just to name a few. 

Learning to navigate those differences can be just as important as lesson planning or classroom management. 

Thomas says his own parenting style blends structure with flexibility. He and his wife try to give their children space to solve problems independently while also creating opportunities to check in and offer support.

Veteran educators say the key is to avoid assumptions and focus instead on communication, curiosity, and trust. The categories matter less than the relationships behind them.

Setting expectations

Lakeisha Patterson, a thirdgrade reading teacher, in Texas, and mother of two daughters, describes herself as a “hybrid” parent: Deeply involved while also intentionally teaching independence.

“I don’t want them to become codependent,” Patterson says. “I want them to learn how to navigate life and how to problem-solve and [think critically] without me being there.”

Her approach is shaped in part by her own childhood. Raised by a young mother with a strict parenting style, Patterson says she now thinks carefully about which lessons she wants to carry forward and which she hopes to leave behind.

She says she is “adamant” about not perpetuating some behaviors, like being overprotective, but sees value in other lessons from her childhood.

That self-awareness carries into her classroom at a Title I school. At the start of every school year, Patterson sends families a survey asking what she should know about their child, what goals they have, and what support systems already exist at home.

The responses help her better understand students and their communication styles, as well as parents’ expectations.

Some families want weekly updates and regular reassurance. Others prefer only major communications. She tries to use the survey results as a road map for building trust.

Still, she says strong relationships also require clear boundaries. Patterson establishes communication expectations early, including limiting late-night messaging and encouraging parents to address concerns directly with teachers before escalating issues elsewhere. “We’re a team,” she says. “We have to work together."

Understanding different life experiences

Lindsey Smith, who teaches leadership and gifted and talented students, in Idaho, says one of the most important lessons for new educators is learning to lead with curiosity, not assumptions.

“Every single parent that walks through the door has a reason for how they show up,” Smith says. “They’ve got a whole context we don’t understand.”

Over 16 years in education, Smith has worked with families across the parenting spectrum, from highly structured to more laid-back households. Regardless of style, she says, her approach stays largely the same: Communicate clearly, establish trust early, and keep the child at the center of every conversation.

“My job isn’t to change their parenting style,” Smith says. “It’s to build trust and find common ground in supporting their child.” 

She intentionally contacts each family with something positive at least once every quarter—even if it’s a quick note recognizing leaderships skills, organization, or growth in the classroom.

“Some parents, by the time they get to middle school, are used to getting calls from the school only when something is going wrong,” Smith says.

She says those early moments of positive communication help establish trust before difficult conversations ever become necessary.

Getting to know students

Crystal Boyd Funderburk, an occupational therapist in Ohio who has worked in education for 18 years, describes her own parenting style as “drone-ish”—nearby and supportive, but intentionally staying in the background. 

As a parent, she says she has always tried to balance guidance with boundaries. She wants her children to build independence on their own.

When her daughter was 12, Boyd Funderburk would place her phone, tablet, and smartwatch in a designated station at night instead of staying in her bedroom. Sleep and balance, she says, mattered more than constant access to technology.

At the time, her daughter didn’t always agree with those limits. Now in college, her daughter is starting to say, “‘I see that now,’” Boyd Funderburk notes.

Professionally, Boyd Funderburk says that same philosophy carries into her work with families and students. Before reviewing evaluations or support plans, she tries to first understand the child in front of her, such as their strengths, frustrations, interests, and areas where they may need support. 

“Get to know the kiddos,” she says.

That relationship-building, she says, becomes especially important when working with highly involved families. Rather than framing parents as difficult, Boyd Funderburk tries to understand their involvement and how educators and parents can work together more sustainably.

She’ll tell a parent: “I want your student to lead, and I want you to be the supporting parent, like a supporting actor.” She asks them, “What is our end goal? A forever-dependent child or an increasingly independent adult?”